


another michael in the bathroom fic but this time it’s the song

by rizzy_luke



Series: a well-deserved apology [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Michael in the Bathroom, Onesided Attraction, Theres Joe Iconis and George Salazar and Gerard Canonico, Unrequited Love, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-23 22:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19160665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rizzy_luke/pseuds/rizzy_luke
Summary: A performance about a particular song by yours truly.(Michael agrees to sing his shit out about his jeremy problem as a way to vent.)





	another michael in the bathroom fic but this time it’s the song

**Author's Note:**

> im on a roll with singer! michael

_The warm tears just kept streaming down his already red face, loud sobs cracked and wrecked his body. The warm arms that held him only got tighter and fiercer, bringing him closer. It’s warm, it’s comfortable, and Michael’s a little bit overwhelmed.  
_

_“You really need to talk about this to him at some point, Michael,” Christine murmured softly to his ear, rubbing his back soothing as the boy kept sobbing. “You know that, right?”_

_Christine kept holding Michael like that for the next long minutes as Michael sobbed, something he hadn’t done for a long, long time._

 

-

 

Michael clutches the microphone in his hand tightly, the buzzing anxiety inside his chest just keeps growing bigger and bigger with every second. The crowd of people laugh hearing a joke George made from his spot behind his drum kit, Gerard laughing right beside him and Joe chuckling slightly from the keyboard.

 

Michael only manages a small, strained smile, hoping to god only Christine came to see the show because she supports talents from the school and _man_ , these seniors really do have talents. Joe is fantastic at the piano, George’s rocking the drums and Gerard’s a pretty good guitarist. Michael’s along for the ride, dragged by the seniors to sing the songs Joe wrote for their performance. The seniors are great guys and Michael’s honored to perform with them. But, _but-_

 

Why did he agree to this?

 

Oh yeah, pent up emotions and shit regarding _that_ incident featuring you know who.

 

Only Christine knows about the show down at a restaurant filled with different people performing daily. She has been his venting place, the one he could talk to other than Jeremy, the only person who knows about Michael’s internal problems about Jeremy and the whole Squip fiasco. When Michael told her about his gig and the song, She’s been supportive, saying that he really needs to let it out in a way other than just talking about it to her, because the only other way to fully resolve it is to properly talk with Jeremy, and Michael cannot and will not have that.

 

Michael really hopes that Christine didn’t drag Jeremy and the others along because of her better judgement about these kind of things. Michael tries to scan the crowd for her face, or any of other familiar faces in his school life, but the song’s coming up, and he can’t think or search properly with his heart spazzing like crazy inside his ribcage.

 

“The next song, it’s uh, it’s something high schoolers like us would feel sometimes,” Joe said to the mic, the others catching the cue and readying in their spots. The crowd’s noises quiets down a little, listening to the pianist. Michael’s clutching the mic even tighter now, his stomach dropping. He takes a deep breath, schooling his beating heart, trying to relax.

 

“This scenario is uh- very specific, you could say. But I’m sure most of us felt this way at some point in high school, or feel something similar to this,” Joe continues with a nervous undertone, but Michael’s even more anxious than that. He’s opening up his repressed feelings to a crowd. It’s a song about his biggest insecurities and tragedy if his life, he has a right to be totally nervous and anxious about this. But he knew deep down he needs a way to vent, a way to just let it out, and this way may be too extreme, but it’s still a way, and he’s already here, so.

 

“Michael here contributed a lot to the song,” Joe adds, flashing a grin to the singer. “He bravely calls it as, Michael in the bathroom.”

 

And that’s the cue. Michael readies himself to start singing, steeling his nerves and looks at the crowd straight on and- holy shit, is that Christine?

 

There’s Christine, raising an arm out and waves, a big smile on her face. Michael barely manages to smile back, but it came out more as a grimace.

 

“We hope all of you will enjoy the song.” And with that, Joe starts playing the opening notes of the song, Gerard picking up the guitar, George will come in later with the beats.

 

There’s no time for panic or doubts or be anxious because it’s fucking showtime.

 

“I am hanging in a bathroom, at the biggest party of the fall,” Michael starts, his voice already the perfect dose of sad and strained for the song. “I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody’d even notice at all.”

 

The whole audience quiets down immediately, only music filling the room. At least they’re into it.

 

George starts playing his drums, making soft beats for the instrumental, getting into the song. Michael’s pretty sure he’s shaking. But the song keeps going and he needs to keep going.

 

Michael catches Christine’s eyes in the crowd, and she gives Michael an encouraging smile. Or at least, that’s what Michael saw.

 

“I’m a creeper in a bathroom, ‘cause my buddy kinda left me alone,” He continues singing, defeated anger coloring his voice, already swaying away to the song. The gestures he makes are automatic, his feelings carrying him away for liveliness of the song. “But I’d rather fake pee than stand awkwardly, or pretend to check a text on my phone.”

 

 _Jeremy fucking sucks that time,_ the thought just came naturally to Michael, the song’s vibes and feelings overwhelming him. They’re best friends, for god’s sake, was that all for nothing? Was his opinions really matter less than his fucking reputation?

 

“Everything felt fine, when I was half of a pair,” It really is better when they’re a pair, just the two of them against the rest of the world. It definitely felt like that to Michael. A two-player game, they said. “Now through no fault of mine, there’s no other half there.”

 

And he can’t help but think, doesn’t Jeremy feels the same way? Michael’s dreading his answer might be right.

 

_He doesn’t, he never did._

 

“Now, I’m just, Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party,” Michael’s not pretending now, he never was from the start. He lets the sadness wash over him, guiding his singing. “Forget how long it’s been.”

 

Fuck, he’s definitely getting even more sad and depressed like this.

 

“I’m just, Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party,” a nobody, a stoner, a fucking **loser**. That’s all Michael is and will ever be. “No, you can’t come in!”

 

If his voice cracks more than he intended, he didn’t notice.

 

“I’m waiting it out ‘till it’s time to leave,” Michael lets his emotions to flood out through his voice, choosing not to think about anything else other than how he feels and how he needs to let it out. “And picking at grout as I softly grieve!”

 

He closes his eyes, lashing out, pouring his hearts out to the song. “I’m just Michael, who you don’t know!”

 

And fuck, it feels good to let it all out for once. “Michael flying solo!”

 

Michael can’t help but to stomp his heels angrily at the floor, the intensity of his voice rising at the right bit of the song, shocking the audience to the core. Christine feels shivers crawling down her spine, watching her friend in awe and concern.

 

“Michael in the bathroom by himself!” Michael yells, clutching the microphone with the both of his hands, feelings crashing down to him all at once.

 

“All by himself!” All by himself.

 

For a second, he breathes in the silence as the audience could only stare and watch as he continues. And if they notice there’s really something wrong about Michael, they didn’t voice it.

 

For a second, the seniors behind him gave each other worried glances for the younger one, catching on that there’s something more to the song, but the show must go on, and they continue playing with no problem.

 

“I am hiding but he’s out there, just ignoring all our history.”

 

They never talked about it, the few months of ignoring Michael, the few months of Michael suffering alone. Halloween. They never talked about all that. Jeremy never mentions it, so Michael, of course, never brings it up either.

 

He expected an apology, and acknowledgement at least, but none came. Did Jeremy really forgot? Didn’t he care?

 

“Memories get erased, and I’ll get replace, with a newer, cooler version of me.”

 

Michael understands that Jeremy’s hurting, too, that’s the Squip made more than a small dent in his mind, that he’s also suffering because of the incident. Michael understands that Jeremy made shitty decisions and regrets it, that Jeremy only wishes for things to be alright after it, things to be normal. Michael knows he’s not a bad person and he’s truly trying to do better, to be better. Michael truly understands all that.

 

But that doesn’t mean that only Jeremy’s hurting, that only Jeremy and the Squippeds are affected thoroughly.

 

They all forgot about poor, old Michael. At least there’s Christine.

 

“Then I hear a drunk girl, sing along to Whitney through the door,” Michael continues with cheery hysteria, completely affected by his thoughts, snapping his fingers to the short beats. “‘I wanna dance with somebody!’”

 

Michael, the best friend who’s always cheerful, always there, always supportive. Michael, the best friend who never complains, never aches, never cries. Always there for Jeremy, the protagonist of it all. They never thought about how he feels, they never thought about how much he’s hurt.

 

Jeremy never thought about how much he’s hurt.

 

The next lines are depressing, and Michael’s mood swings smoothly for the emotion transition. “And my feelings sink, ‘cause it makes me think, now there’s no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore! Now it’s just-“

 

During that time, it’s so much easier to just hate Jeremy, to just leave him to his Squippy glory and let him have what he asked for. It’ll be so much easier for Michael if he had walked away that time, to believe that his best friend is irredeemable, that there’s no hope, that it’s all over.

 

Too bad he loves him too much to just leave.

 

“Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party. I half regret the beers.” It’s dead silence there if not for the song. Michael just sounds so tired, so broken, so defeated, it’s scary.

 

“Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party, as I choke back the tears!” Michael quickly wipes his eyes quickly with his sleeve, just realizing his eyes are glassy and wet.

 

He forgot Christine is there, witnessing his break down as he sings.

 

“I’ll wait as long as I need, ‘till my face is dry,” Michael makes an aggressive gesture with his hand. “Or I’ll just blame it on weed or something in my eye!”

 

If Jeremy can see him now, what will he say after this?

 

“Ah, I’m just Michael, who you don’t know! Michael flying solo! Michael in the bathroom by himself!”

 

It’s only been probably two minutes, but god, it feels like forever there.

 

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, they’re gonna starts to shout soon.”

 

Michael never had a panic attack before Halloween, and it sure as hell sucks. Loud party music blasting outside the bathroom door with asshole teenagers randomly banging on the walls. Jeremy out there having fun and living his popularity, leaving Michael behind in he bathroom just to have a goddamn panic attack.

 

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, oh hell yeah, I’ll be out soon!”

 

Michael starts thinking that Jeremy’s only friends with him now because he felt bad for lonely Michael. He has all of his shiny new friends now, why should he care about him?

 

The others starts to join him.

 

“ _Knock, knock, knock, knock,_ ” The seniors’ knocks are more aggressive than Michael, adding to the feel. “It sucks he left me here alone.”

 

He’s only an acquaintance to the others anyway, they never hang out together, never talk for more than a minute. The only one he talks to is Christine, and he’s Jeremy’s fucking girlfriend.

 

“ _Knock, knock, knock, knock_ , here in this teenage battle zone!”

 

Perfect Christine Canigula. Kind hearted, goofy, silly, friendly Christine Canigula. Michael can’t bring himself to hate her. She’s perfect, and Jeremy deserves someone perfect, and he’s not perfect, so he’s happy for them. He has to be happy for them.

 

“ **Clang, clang, clang, clang!** I feel the pressure’s blowing up!” He screams to the microphone, the pressure really is blowing up.

 

“ **Bang, bang, bang, bang!** My big mistake was showing up!” He’s completely immersed in the song, relieving it inside his head, that horrible, horrible night he just can’t seem to forget, to get it behind and move forward, chaining him forever to be a sad, depressed teenager who misses his best friend.

 

“ ** _Splash, splash, splash, splash,_** I pour some water on my face,” Michael makes a throwing gesture, literally feeling something splashing on his skin and getting goosebumps. “And I am in a better place.”

 

He raises his hands. “I go to open up the door, but I can’t hear knocking-” his voice cracks badly there, his heart stuttering in his chest, but he doesn’t care, “anymore.”

 

There’s a few seconds of only Joe and the keyboard, a few seconds of not singing. He can feel every eyes in the room on him, piercing him, but he’s already wrecked anyway. He takes a deep breath again, letting his eyes roam the crowd, then catching someone particular in the crowd who’s staring at him frozen with wide eyes.

 

Michael stomach drops again, the bad buzzing in his chest suddenly turns ten times worse. _It’s Jeremy fucking Heere_.

 

Jeremy Heere, eyes wide and mouth open, watching his best friend pour out unspoken pain through the song, a song he’s never meant to hear.

 

It’s his time to sing again, and the sudden miserable cracks and hiccups in his voice are all Jeremy’s fault. “And I can’t help but yearn for a different time.”

 

He raise his hand again, this time completely intentional, throwing it and pointing at Jeremy, looking at him straight in the eye. “And then I look in the mirror, and the present is clearer, and there’s no denying I’m- just-“

 

He breaks. He can’t take it anymore.

 

The sobs that escaped his mouth are genuine, thank god it’s a slower pace at that part of the song. He’s now all too aware of the warm tears on his face, but he quickly wipes it with his sleeve and faces the crowd head on.

 

“-at a party,” The tiredness, it’s all genuine in his voice. “Is there a sadder sight than-“

 

Jeremy’s still staring at him, but Michael’s vision is a tad bit blurry to make it out.

 

He hums, closing his eyes, swaying a little.

 

God, everything’ll be so much easier if he didn’t love the boy so much.

 

“Michael in the bathroom at a party.” The next phrase is honestly his favorite and he can’t help but manage a a tired grin. “This a heinous night.”

 

Here comes the regrets, the ifs, the what didn’t happen. “I wish I stayed at home in bed, watching cable porn,”

 

Michael helped Joe to write the song, but he never confirmed he feels like that. Joe said it’s genius and relatable, and he had no idea how real it is to Michael that time.

 

There’s also parts of the song that conveyed something he never told Christine.

 

“ _Wish I’d offed myself instead, wish I was never born._ ”

 

It feels so easy that time, to just end it all right there on the cold bathroom floor. He vaguely remembers taking a bottle of pills and holding it in his hand, thinking, ‘Is it really worth it?’

 

Knowing Jeremy has enough of him? Left him behind to rot as he go on his merry, popular day? Seems like a good enough reason for Michael to be a depressed and suicidal shit over it. Anybody with a best friend for 12 years and in live with for 3 years would feel the same.

 

“Oh, I’m just Michael, who’s a loner, so he must be a stoner!” He runs a hand through his hair, the line between song lyrics and real feelings is completely blurred.

 

“Rides a PT Cruiser!” Michael holds his head as he screams the next line with so much intensity, unknowingly sending a sharp, painful jab through Jeremy’s heart.

 

“God, he’s such a **loser**!”

 

_God, he’s such a fucking loser._

 

_**Get out of my way, loser.** _

 

“Michael flying solo, who you think that you know.” Michael still holds his head tightly with his hands, thoughts spinning wildly inside his head, now dreading the song to end. He’s not at all ready to face the person he wants to see the least after this.

 

“Michael in the bathroom by himself!”

 

And the most fucked up thing? He still loves him, he still loves him so much despite the hell he went through because of the said boy he loves. And he knows, he knows when the time comes again to choose and make a sacrifice, he’ll always, always pick Jeremy with no hesitation.

 

“All by himself!”

 

He can’t do this, _fuck, he can’t do this_.

 

“All by himself!”

 

He throws his hands down, staring right ahead at the still silent crowd. There’s dead coolness in his glistening eyes, the calm before the storm.

 

“And all you know about me is my name,” He looks away, finally, finally, it’s the last line of the song. “Awesome party, I’m so glad I came.”

 

Michael sighs heavily, suddenly feeling dizzy from all of that singing and feels trip.

 

Then they all clap, cheer, for them, for Michael. But it sounds muted, far away, distant. The the quiet murmurs happening around the crowd, eyes glancing at him, concerned, are far louder than the claps and cheers thrown on his way. Michael immediately looks away, his knees weak and shaking, desperately trying to hold it together.

 

He takes wobbly steps towards the stairs leading off the stage, suddenly getting supported by Joe who left the keyboard, helping him walk down the stage, then somewhere not visible to the audience’s eyes.

 

“We’ll-“ Joe gulps, letting his word trail off, glancing at the stage and back to Michael. “We’ll definitely talk about this later.”

 

Michael nods silently, barely holding it together, watching Joe walks back to the stage, because the show must go on, and Michael’s parts are done, there’s no solos left for him, the perfect timing.

 

Then finally, properly, he breaks.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is a series i would like to continue okay, have faith


End file.
